When asked, “Are you Happy?” about ten years ago, I would immediately say, “Of course I’m happy!”
I mean, how could I not be happy? Well, perhaps then I did not know the meaning of being happy.
I always thought that when I smiled enough or laughed enough, then I am happy. Yet, were these smiles and laughter fake? Did I simply want to cover whatever I was feeling then with a mask? And, for what reason?
I then came to realize that I wanted other people, the world, to see me as being happy. I didn’t want them to think otherwise. Because I believed that not being happy is a bad thing.
Growing up, I used to think that all kinds of negative emotions were just bad. And I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. So What I used to do was to hide them, to bring a cloud over these negative emotions and think that they would just go away. I used to believe that having negative emotions, whether they are sadness, anger, shame, disappointments, they are all a weaknesses. And I am a strong person! I was bigger than life! So I didn’t want to have these feelings in my life, these flaws (what I used to call them). I simply pushed them away.
Little did I know then that these feelings never really go away, not until processing emotions completely was done.
After about thirty years living with this belief, I found myself in a breakdown. All aspects of my life crumbled down. They actually exploded right at the same time. I was crushed! I didn’t know what to do, and I had no energy inside of me to do anything, yet I was still given life. I was still breathing, nothing was wrong psychically, yet I was lost and hopeless.
There was no other way to go at this point but to surrender. Surrender to what is, surrender to A Higher Power. I thought that I had everything is control; everything was at its place in my life. I had forgotten that there is a Higher Power who has the handle of everything, and that I was merely the co-handler of my life.
By definition, Happy is enjoying or characterized by well being or contentment. Wow…what does this mean then? I guess for me right now, happiness means truly having acceptance, appreciation, and understanding to all that is in my life, to all parts of me. All the positives and all the negatives.
When I used to deny the negatives in my life, well that wasn’t working. I had rejected a part of myself. In a sense, I had disapproved of myself. And when I had my breakdown, what happened was that the part of me that I had rejected turned and fought back.
I then spent some years after my breakdown, which now I see it a great turning point in my life, to truly get to know me. I worked hard on letting all my masks go. I struggled to truly feel all the negative emotions that came and those that I pushed down, because they never went away. I struggled with this because I never had any practice. Plus, the process was not so easy. Yet, I found that when the process was done, the feeling of contentment, of happiness follows right after.
I go back to the question of “Am I happy?” at an interval time in my life now. This question would put my back in check, put me back in my track. This question brings me to the points in my life that makes me to feel bad (sad, angry, disappointed, etc.), which sometimes I still deny.
Yet I am grateful that now I don’t deny them for too long, I simply can’t. I now know that everything in life, every person, every situation, they all come for a good reason, and I believe that reason brings growth to our life.
All is well,
Siti Banu Intan
Siti Banu Intan
Intan is a warm-hearted energy healer, spiritual life coach and a yoga-meditation guide. Her passion is to creatively share love and joy to others. With guidance from The All Mighty, Intan leads people to better health in mind, body and spirit. Her passion is to ignite the Light in people’s heart with her strong intuition. Intan’s biggest aspiration in life is to lead life fully from the heart, with complete love and joy in all that she does, and it is her passion to share this to others. With her big heart and open mind, Intan passionately facilitates others to recall their beautiful Self, lovingly, safely and joyously.